Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

Infertility Etiquette Part 2

Infertility Etiquette (Part 2)
By Vita Alligood

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Us

Us

About this blog

Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

Search This Blog

Follow us through pictures!

Follow us through pictures!
kristenfescoe

GFAF Blogger

GFAF Blogger

Followers

Blog Archive

There was an error in this gadget
© 2006–2015. Life with Coco and Gigi. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission.

Labels

50 Things to Blog About (1) A Bright Project (1) Abb (1) Abby (188) ADHD (2) Adventures in Therapy (25) Allergies (9) Allergy Friendly (4) Asian Recipes (2) Babies (29) Baby (6) Baby Stuff (29) Baby Updates (83) Back to school (4) Backyard (1) Backyard 2013 (2) Baking (1) Beef Recipes (5) Being Three (5) Blog Challenge (30) Blogs (25) Breakfast Recipes (1) Breast Feeding (8) Brian (5) Cancer (11) Canning (5) Catching Up (1) Charity (3) Chicken (2) Chicken Recipe (6) CHOP (43) Christmas (11) Clean Eating (1) Cook Books (2) Cooking (24) Coupons (4) Crafts (2) Crock Pot Recipe (3) Dad (10) Dairy Free (2) Dance (1) Delivery (3) Dessert Recipe (1) Disney (2) DIY (1) Doctors Appointments (100) Dog (3) Down the shore (4) Easy Meals (2) EI (22) Family (183) Father and son (1) Five Ingredient Favorites (2) Food (3) Food Allergies (2) Freezing (1) Funny (2) Garden 2013 (4) Gardening (9) Girls (220) Giveaway (17) Gluten Free (2) Grace (1) Gracie (138) Gratitude Journal (8) Grilling (1) Guest Post (1) Holidays (118) Home buying (24) Homemade (3) Homesteading (2) How we spend our time (120) Illness (67) In The Kitchen (19) In the yard (1) Infertility (59) Inspired writing (5) Instagram (1) Issues for women like me (76) IVF (28) Jack (88) Kindness (1) Library (2) Living Simply (1) Me (131) Meatless Recipes (1) Mexican (1) Mexican Recipes (2) Misc (55) Mom Thoughts (76) Moments (1) Momma Woes (1) Mothering (8) Mushrooms (1) My annoying hand (12) Nursery (5) Nursing (7) OT (12) Our House (28) Parenting (54) Pasta (2) Phone Dump (1) Pictures (532) Politics (5) Pork Recipes (1) Potty Training (6) Prayer Request (8) Pregnancy (118) Pregnancy Loss (3) Preserving (5) PT (31) Quotes (11) Randomness (143) Rant (52) Recipes (25) Reviews (1) Rhombencephalosynapsis (11) School (87) Seafood Recipe (1) Sensory Integration (13) Shower (2) Siblings (2) Side Dishes (1) Snack Recipes (1) Soup (5) Special Needs (11) Speech (4) Sponsored Posts (1) Sports (94) Stew (1) stories (1) Summer Fun (11) Summer Learning (6) Summer Meals (1) The Girls (3) The Kids (40) The Reason for the season (1) The Reason for the Season (25) Therapy (5) Things my kids always eat (11) Time Savers (1) Topics of Interest (13) Track (9) Twins (51) Ultrasounds (4) Vacation (35) Vegan (4) Vegan Recipes (1) Veggie Recipes (1) Video (77) Videos (28) WAHM (1) Website (2) Weekly Updates (29) Weight Loss (2) What to do with leftovers (1) Winter (4) Wisdom the Dog (3) Words of inspiration (8) Work (12) Writing (6) Writing Pieces (1) Yo Gabba Gabba (3)