Change in the wind

Throughout the summer I have had the opportunity to do a little introspective searching. I have worked less which has led me to think more. I've had time to think about what I want out of life, what is my next step, there do I see my forties taking me. Most importantly, what path do I want to forge down next?

I'm not really sure if it's something like an early mid-life crisis or just restlessness but I don't think I have ever craved change the way I do right now. I have gone through most of my adult life applying the motto "change is overrated." If things stay the same then they really can't be all that bad. Change equated to me as something I had to overcome and deal with. I saw even the slightest adjustments to my routine as a tiny bit of terror.  

Life the shift of winds I couldn't feel more different. Out of nowhere, like being hit by a truck, the same old, same old suddenly seems stifling. Going about the daily routine, which has always been something that sustained me, feels like suffocation. The most odd part of this new feeling is that it doesn't feel like a bad thing. It isn't the case of being sick of my kids or my marriage or my life. It's quite the opposite. This new feeling strikes me more like growth and revolution. It feels like a new outlook that allows for adventure and new things.

I'm not really sure how and why this strange shift is occuring but it feels like progress I didn't know I needed. I just hope that positive change is on the horizon waiting for me to grab it. New opportunities, new scenery, newness. I guess it's never too late to change the way you see your life.

Parenting in a world of tragedy

One of the biggest challenges I face as a mother in 2016 is the level of chaos and terror that I cannot protect my children from. When the kids see a news story of a devastating earthquake, tornado or hurricane I can say with a fair amount of confidence, "don't worry kids, we live in New Jersey and these things just don't happen here."It's possible but when I tell them this it is the reality. What do I tell them when people blow up buildings full of innocent people are shoot entire night clubs full of people doing absolutely nothing wrong. 

It is a challenge we all face collectively. We can't shield them from it because they are going to hear on the bus or the playground. In a class full of 20 kids you better believe that half have already heard it. So, how do you explain these atrocities to an eight year old? I don't have a solid answer to this question so I have a few guiding principles. 1. Only answer what they ask. 2. Be honest and direct, shielding them from the truth will bite you in the end. 3. Allow them to be scared and upset and help them understand that although the world is scary it is our job to live our lives every single day. 

I'd like to think it was easier to parent 50 years ago when war was something a million miles away. I'd like to think that in the past kids were better off not being bombarded with stories of death and hate. Unfortunately that doesn't help the moms and dads of today. It's our jobs to ban together and help make our own part of the world a little safer. 

What is it?

What it is with people anymore? Anyone reading along in the comments section will have noticed a (ahem) heated exchange or words. This got me to thinking yesterday. What it is with people in general these days where we are so quick to judge and cut each other down. I have had a few instances recently (most of which I was a mere observer and not directly involved) where I have witnessed people so needlessly taking shots at others for no apparent reason.

We're all human. We all err and screw up and act like idiots. But why is it necessary for others to so readily point it out to both you and the rest of the world. Its' part of the reason I avoid facebook. To me it drives people to point out the bad and the ugly rather than celebrate the wonderful and joyous.

I know in my own life there is plenty of things to bring me down. I make plenty of mistakes and do enough dumb stuff. I don't need anyone to point it out. My wounds need no salt.

It's the holidays. It's time to be merry and bright and celebrate. So, I am going to try to remember that. When someone I know errs or makes a mistake I will bee keeping all of our humanity in mind.

** My disclaimer: By no means am I apologetic for the situation that lead to the afore mentioned heated exchange. I did nothing wrong and neither did my kids. 

The Uniform

It's that time of year again. The time when we pull the trunks out of the attic or under the beds and start switching our summer clothes to our fall clothes (at least those of us unfortunate to have seasons ;D). Today, as I pulled out two trunks of clothes that I haven't fit into since before I was pregnant (and still don't) I got to thinking. The uniform. The Mom uniform. The one that binds most of us as Moms. As I type I look down to see two different shades of gray (horrendous). An oversized hoodie that I got on sale and a ratty old pair of Jockey yoga pants that I had from when the girls were babies.

And as I pull out the outfits that I swore I'd fit into this fall (and swear that I still will) I think of how my wardrobe is such a far cry from who I really am. I love fashion. I pretty much always have. When I worked I had beautiful clothes and amazing shoes. I had so many accessories Abby would have drooled at my options. I never spend a ton but I sale shopped like a boss. So what the hell happened.

 You see that? Earrings AND makeup! 

When did I go from fashionable to a proverbial "not"??? While mulling this whole thing over I glanced at my pre-chosen outfit for tomorrow. Black sweatpants and a tee. Really self? Come on! We can do better. We have to do better.

As Moms we dress our children beautifully. We comb their hair and clip their nails and wipes their faces. All the while not even glancing in a mirror most days. But what are we showing them. That we are not even worthy of a cute outfit or a nice haircut? It's time we Moms rise up and take five, no TEN minutes a day and let ourselves think about what we want to wear.

The season is changing. With it I hope to turn over a new leaf of showing my girls that I am worth ten minutes just like they are.

Where have you been?

Who Me? Have I been missing? I guess I have.

I've been around. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Like we all probably feel this time of year.

Much of August is spent quietly looking forward to September. The kids go back to school. Those of us who like a routine get our routine back. By the end of the summer life just seems to have fallen apart a little. And this year, like many others has whacked me in the face.

School came too fast (even though I longer for it a little), I miss our lazy days (even though they drove me crazy), I miss my kids (even though they drove me more crazy) and the routine is not easy at first (if ever).

So, yes... I sound like I am having a Bi-Polar moment. I want it all but don't want any of it at the same time. Maybe it's because my kids have official driven me to the loony bin. Maybe it's because I am not getting enough sleep. Maybe it's because being overwhelmed and a little depressed is a part of motherhood (sometimes). I'm not sure.

I am just hoping the next couple of weeks find me more organized, better rested and my kids more adjusted to the new routine. Only one way to find out.

I thought things happen in threes?

What a couple of months. First we are surprised with a baby we don't get to keep. Then my aunt is diagnosed with cancer. (She is young, has two sweet little girls... just so unfair. Have I mentioned that I hate cancer?) Next, in a place where two of our own family are living and where my daughters coach is running people are killed and hurt and maimed. After that someone who is a member of one of our medical communities goes to wake his sweet little girl only to learn she has passed. The final nail came when I got a text that our school was "sheltering in place" because a suspicious person was in the woods outside of our school.

Some days it just feels like it's crashing down. It makes me so frustrated and scared and mad as hell. It's all so out of control that you just don't know what to make of it. Then things that I feel like I can usually control even feel out of control.

It's maddening. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at life. I'm mad at circumstances that go bad. I'm mad at all of the things that we can't control. I'm mad that people have to learn to pick up the pieces of their life without the loved ones or their legs or a life they once had. I'm mad that cancer keeps picking my family. I'm mad that I now feel incredible guilt over not having a baby that I didn't want in the first place. Like I didn't want it enough or pull for it enough. I'm mad that I feel like a shmuck because how dare I feel such pity for myself when people have died and lost their children.

I guess I just don't know what to make of all of this lately. I know that none of us do. I hear people all the time about how things seem to be worse than they used to be. I always argue that people have been saying that for years and years. "Worse" is a relative thing. But lately I am starting to agree.

I'm trying to look for the silver lining. I watch the stories of heroes and help and healing. The read about people who are overcoming and rebuilding. It just isn't enough right now. Guess it's time for some soul searching.

I'm a better mother in the summer

A couple of weeks ago we were lucky enough to hit a "hot spell" in NJ. Instead of our normal 30's and 40's we had weather up in the 50's and 60's. Over the course of that warm weekend we managed to plan out our garden, clean up the remaining leaves in the yard, discuss our plans to make the yard a giant fun zone for the kids this year, plans for a new lettuce box and a wood shed. We figured out where we want to move the sand box and the play house... We got a lot done.

You see, I am a much better mother in the summer. Our mornings are spent either at the library or out in the garden. Our afternoons are spent at the pool. We eat dinner outside and then evenings are filled with long walks, trips to the playground, more swimming, bubbles, sidewalk chalk and sprinkler running. I love the warm weather and I love being outside so it's easy.

We go to the beach... 

 ... and the waterkpark, 

 festivals, 

 the pool, 

 carnivals,

and the aquarium. 

We have friends over...

and do family fun runs. 

We spend hours just hanging out, smelling the roses. 

Winters just make me think of being stuck inside (staring at the walls), tending to sick kids, laundry, and homework. Ugh... so not fun. I do my best to fill the days with baking or craft projects but I almost always feel like I fall short. I try to make sure that my kids don't look back and think that they had good parents... from April through October.

Penn State

I haven't written (or even talked) much about the tragedy that occured at Penn State. It is such a horrific thing that I didn't quite know what to say. I spent two years working with sexual assault victims when I was in graduate school and I know the heavy toll that something like rape can take on a person. It can shatter a persons life.

Those close to me know that I am a die hard Penn State fan. I have loved Penn State since I was a little girl. My Dad was a Lions fan so I was too. Still am.

Now Joe Pa's statue has come down. And now Penn State is losing some of their wins. It makes my heart hurt. I have seen first hand the devastation that something like this brings. But what I also know is that removing a statue or forfeiting wins won't make it better. All it does is belittle the accomplishments of years of Penn State athletes. Who is thinking about them? Did those young men do anything wrong???

I'm not going to get into whether Joe Paterno was wrong. I think he (and so many others) bear culpability. But does that erase four decades of coaching. If the statue was of Sandusky I would say blow it up. But it wasn't. It just feels like historical revisionism to me. Something ugly happened so let's erase it. Who does that help? How does that help healing occur?

As a Penn State fan the decisions being made are making it harder and harder to root for them as a university. Who suffers from this? The students, that's who! How are Penn States supposed to hold their heads high and sport their college sweatshirts and hats? How do they not hang their heads in shame EVEN THOUGH they have nothing to do with what happened.

I fear that this is going to essentially run Penn State into the ground. So all of the good that the university does will be erased in history. The millions and millions of dollars that students have raised for cancer research. The THON event they hold every year. The wonderful things they do for their community. Erased by one evil person. It makes my heart hurt.

So I will keep wearing my sweatshirts. I will do my best to show the students of Penn State that they did nothing wrong. I will remember what happened but try to also remember that Penn State stands for more than this one horrible person. I won't let an abuser ruin something so important to so many people.

Free Climbing

Recently Brian and I watched an episode of 60 minutes (a show which we love like a couple of 70 year olds ;D) dedicated to individuals who do insanely risky things. They had people who climb mountains and jump off in "squirrel suits", a man who free swims with great white sharks and a young guy who climbs insane mountains with NO ROPE. I think they called it free climbing. Simply watching this guy climb the mountain on television was giving me big time agita.

I found myself feeling somehow akin to this crazy mountain climbing guy. There are so many days where I find myself metaphorically half way up the giant mountain, by myself with no rope and no net. If I look down I will lose it and fall. If I look up I will become overwhelmed at how far I have to go. It's a no win. So instead I start blindly climbing towards the top of the peak or the end of the day or the end my journey or whatever.

The crappy part is that when this guy finished climbing he might feel exhausted but he is also exhilarated. Someone the end of my journey usually ends with me exhausted, going to bed too late, not getting enough done and being frustrated. SO I guess the moral of the story is that I should abandon my "everyday life" and take up mountain climbing. Make sense, right?


And before I go, you're welcome for the visual of a woman, 8 months pregnant, trying to climb the face of a mountain. :D

Stressed!

Not sure if it's the pregnancy or life or what but man am I stressed. I feel like I live much of my life with a fair amount of stress. I manage it fairly well so I rarely feel bogged down by it. That is not the case right now. I guess when it rains is just has a way of pouring.

The girls have been wild. I am starting to feel worn down. We've had a nasty cold and then a stomach virus over the past two weeks. Brian and I have been at odds over a few things. My Dad has been feeling lousy. Work is nuts. And on and on. It's the normal, run of the mill stress. It just seems to be piling up pretty high lately.

I am trying to see it in a different way. It's piling up now so it can lighten up later. I'm not sure I believe it but I got to try. :D

Give me a moment

This morning I woke up and cried. Not for very long. Just long enough to feel the tears burn my eyes for a second. Not for any reasons in particular. Maybe because I caught a cold. Maybe because a cold means I have to stay away from my dad for days. Maybe because if I don't feel better I'll have to watch the Super Bowl for the first time without my dad. Maybe because I'm six months pregnant and tired and running myself a little ragged. Maybe because I didn't sleep last night and the kids decided seven am was late enough. Maybe because my husband is having a career choice crisis and has been working late too often leaving me with the kids and housework and everything else.

It wasn't until hours later that I had a clue what it was. It dawned on me that in the six months I have been pregnant it has been so incredibly hard. Losing a baby. Almost losing this one. Cancer. Canceling long awaited trips of a lifetime. Family drama. Normal life stress. And on and on.

Through almost all of it there has been no time to be fragile or weak. There has been no time to sit down and cry. No time to break down or have hormonal rants. No resting, no down time, minimal ability to let others take care of things. Ninety nine percent of the time it's fine. But that one percent I feel cheated. As if life has stolen this time from me. Time when I should be able to hand over some of my stress and work to others. Instead I find myself stifling the urge to complain. How can you complain when you know things could be so much worse? How can you whine about being tired when people around you are going through chemo? You can't and you don't.

But meanwhile I'm tired. I'm stressed. I want to take a nap. I want to go more than five minutes without having to pee. I want to sleep more than an hour at a time because either a four year old needs something or a baby won't stop dancing on my bladder.

It's probably not worth crying over. But maybe for just one second.

Irritating

I am an avid user of Mac products. I use a mac laptop, a mac mini, I have an I Pod and Brian has his I Phone. I had the first generation I Pod (the thing weighed like 5 pounds ;D). I haven't owned a PC since before I got married. I love Apple!

I have been anxiously awaiting the release of the I Phone for Verizon. I like Verizon and have been locked into my family plan. I always knew Apple and Verizon would work something out and as I am sure you all know they finally did. Unlike many of my fellow Mac users I am not the type to rush out the day something is released. I am a patient Mac user. :D

I didn't plan to rush out and buy one of the first day but when I got the link to see if I was eligible I put my info in. I was shocked, disappointed and frankly irritated when the form told me that I could either pay $699 (are you kidding me) to get one right away or wait until MARCH, 2012! Are you kidding me?!?

How could anyone in their right mind (IN THIS ECONOMY) spend $700 on a phone?

Shame on you Apple for perpetuating this economic crisis. We all know it takes nowhere near $700 to make and support a phone so shame on you!

Just a little tired

Most of the time when someone you meet at a store or in passing asks how you are you probably say "fine" or "good" or "okay" but do you ever want to just let it all out? Tell some stranger than you feel like crap because you are down and a little out? Pour your soul to some stranger who you will likely never see again? Or is that just me?

Life has been tough lately. Frankly I am sick to death of hearing myself whine about it. This blog is my vent space so you all are burdened with all the whining I can possibly dish out. (So sorry for that!) I am trying to pull myself up out of it. It just feels like every time I get my head above water someone finds a way to push me under. My brother who is making me the villain of his story for this week. My sister who apparently has had unspoken resentment towards me for the past year but smiled to my face the whole time. My boss who cancels my class and robs me of 15 hours and almost $2,000 because of "low enrollment". My kids who are doing their best to drive me to the brink of insanity and give me the nice push I will need to get there.

It's exhausting. Usually writing it down (here) gives me the catharsis I need. Right now it's just not enough.

I just hope that as the new season approaches it ushers in a renewal for all of us. We're tired. We're stressed. We're housebound. We seriously need Spring.

Stressed!

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you are in a small room and all of a sudden the walls start closing in???

I feel like I have been having a lot of those days lately. I feel like I can't put my finger on any one thing that is bugging me but it feels a little like drowning. So I got to thinking... if I write it down will it help? Will it serve as one of my many lists? Will it help me feel like I have a better grasp of what is bothering me?

I don't know but I am willing to give it a try. Frankly I am tired of watching the walls get closer and closer.

So, here goes... My top ten list of stressors. :D

1. Family stuff. Arg... I wish I didn't have to be so damn vague but I am not at liberty to divulge. I will just say that being a member of a close knit family is incredible but it is also incredibly stressful sometimes.

2. Abby. Oh man... this kid. She is killing me. Last weekend she flew off the handle over one of her weird obsessions and she tried to hit my baby niece. I was mortified. Thank God my sister is so awesome about Abby and her issues. (I am so thankful for that!!!)

3. That brings me to #3... The Behaviorist. I finally heard back and now we must wait for a phone interview to see if she is even eligible. Once they (Hopefully) find her eligible it will take 6 - 8 weeks for an appointment. I am thinking that by then I will probably have nothing but grey hair left.

4. Money - What is it about the post Christmas slump that surprises me. We don't use any credit during the holidays so we are always more "strapped" right after Christmas. Next year I am skimping on presents and avoiding this variety of stress. ;D It also doesn't help that I don't get a paycheck until 4 weeks after I start teaching courses.

5. My Resolutions - I resolved this year to finally lose the rest of weight I have been battling. Since the new year has been rung in I have actually gained weight. That which was coming easy in the armer months is serving to be such an incredible battle.

6. 2011 - What has this year sucked so epically so far?

7. The laundry list of appointments. When the girls were younger we found ourselves in a specialists office almost every week. Now that we have more of a handle on their medical issues the appointments are slightly fewer. That being said when they come around they seem to come around in the form of 10 appointments in a very short period of time. I am sick of doctors. I am sick of doctors offices. I am sick of insurance companies and billing and writing checks for hundreds of dollars to have doctors to tell me "keep doing what you're doing".

8. Insurance - I am in the process of appealing 5 medical claims. This isn't unusual for us since Blue Cross has a nasty little habit of incorrectly paying our claims. I happen to know our plan inside and out but that doesn't stop them from trying their best to "dupe" us.

9. Sleep - Why am I not getting any??? Still???

10. Not knowing what do do next. There are so many things that I just don't know how to handle. We are dealing with whether to begin the process of applying for a service dog for Abby. Do we go to a behavioralist or a psychologist for Abby? What will the appointment with the new neurogeneticist yield? Do we want to participate in the research study for an RS related gene mutation? So many questions. So few answers.

If anyone gets their hands on a crystal ball please let me know where you got it. :D

Bad Days

How do I sum up a a crappy night like last night? I am not sure? Where do I start?

The evening started out like any other nice evening with my family. Pizza, drinks, conversation... not too bad after a week (or month) like we've had. Things were fine and then out of (seemingly) nowhere... BAM... a blow-up. My younger sister and brother are "commenting on" Grace (the kid can't seem to do anything right lately) and I lost my cool. I sent Brian in to retrieve her so I didn't go in and say something I'd regret. I guess my sister overheard because then I had her in my face.

The long and the short is this... most of my siblings have created this situation where I am the "favorite child" and they don't mean this in a good way. It sucks. I hate having this stupid label put on me. It drives me nuts. I realize there are worse things that one could deal with but it still isn't fair. I am so far from perfect it is ridiculous. I feel like I make mistakes on an hourly basis lately.

For months now there has been tension building and not just about me. It's been about Grace. It seems that no matter what she does she has become "the culprit". She can't do anything right. She cries and she is being "a brat". She is having a sensory seeking day and she is "out of control". She plays with her cousins like a normal three year old and she is "being too rough". The problem is that instead of just coming to me and talking to me I hear it all behind my back. I don't care if people talk behind my back. We're human we all do it. But when you have a problem with my kid you have a problem with me.

Last night I had had enough. I didn't want it to become a big thing but as usual with my siblings it had to be. They tried to make it all about Abby saying they "were afraid" to talk to me because they were "afraid of my reaction" because of "everything we are dealing with with Abby". Somehow that fear didn't come into play when my sister was in my face yelling at me but that's another story.

I'm just sick of it... the fighting the "taking sides" the judging. Siblings are supposed to be the people who support you no matter what. They are supposed to be on your side whether you are right or not. I have gone to bat for each of my siblings at some point in the past and never even thought about it. It's what you do. But it feels like all my life the alliance has been one sided.

I am sure it will blow over but it just breaks my heart a little. These people who I have known forever and thought would always be there have turned their backs. It's painful. Hopefully time will change things but who ever knows.

The sleep issues

When the girls were little we had the usual sleep problems. Trouble falling asleep and waking up throughout the night. Back in those days it was either for a bottle, a diaper change or someone being sick. I hated those long nights when sleep felt so far away.

Here we are three plus years later and we all still struggle with sleep. It is such a commodity for us that we could buy and sell it (if we could). Now it is different issues. Now we deal with both girls sensory systems being "integrated" enough each night to get them to sleep. If they are too stimulated or not stimmed enough we all pay for it. Then you add Abby's strange anxieties to that and we have more trouble. A couple months back she had a nightmare about a bee trying to sting her. Ever since then she fixates on bugs being in her room trying to sting her. When she is awake she has no fear of bugs but when night rolls around it gets ugly.

We put the girls to bed usually around 8:30 and most nights it is after ten before they stop talking, crying, yelling, whining, etc. Sometimes it goes on until after 11 or 12. It is so taxing for us as parents. That time after the kids go to bed but before the parents go to bed should be parents only time. Time to talk, or clean, or work, or catch up on the computer. We lack that and it shows. Some weeks we are both so spent that we barely speak after they finally conk out.

This is an issue we hope that the behaviorist can work on with us. Maybe by giving us some strategies that we haven't tried we could find a better mix. I don't know though. This could just be part of our long term reality. Hopefully not but one never knows.

The beauty of a rare diagnosis... the unknown.

I feel

I feel sad.
I feel melancholic.
I feel beaten up.
I feel like my tank is completely empty.

I feel a little lost in my own life.

I am sad for the life I had planned. All those "things" I was going to do perfectly. I feel grief for missing out on certain "normal things". I am feeling sorry for myself today (obviously).

It's all coming out. All of the issues that come with Abby's diagnosis are showing up, one by one, in large, loud, scary fashion. The OCD. The anxiety. The inability to sleep or eat or grow normally. It make me SO INCREDIBLY SAD.

Last night I had to sit and listen to her scream at the top of her lungs after putting her to bed "I AM SCARED. THE BUGS. THEY ARE ALL OVER ME!"

Do you have any idea what that is like? Thankfully we know it isn't anything like a hallucination because as soon as we enter the room it stops. It is stemming from her nightmares and her anxiety and her vivid imagination.

I can fix skinned knees. I can kiss bumped heads and bruises. I can give her therapy for building strength.

I CAN'T kiss away OCD. I CAN'T fix real, vivid anxiety. I CAN'T pray away Rhombencephalosynapsis and all that comes with it. I HATE that. I HATE the powerlessness and not knowing what to do.

Most days I am fine. I am strong. I am confident and able and ready. But today I don't have enough in the tank. I feel swept up. I feel chewed up and spit out. It could be the fact that Abby had everyone in the house up until almost 1 am and then was up throughout the night. It could be the scary reality that life is going to be really, really hard for my child and I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIX IT.

Thankfully tomorrow is a new day... come on tomorrow!

Friends

Such a simple word... friend. We all have some. Some more than others. I am not talking about the Facebook variety but rather the "know your secrets" kind. I have one that lives far away... REALLY far away. I miss her even though she never lived close by. Recently she (as she does on a very regular basis) brought a smile to my sour puss. It got me thinking about how friends as an adult are so different than friends in your youth. When I was younger I would have thought a friend you only talked to by phone or e-mail was a waste. If they couldn't be there IN PERSON then what was the point. In that similar vain I watched people move away and said what I knew was a final goodbye.

But here I am 32 years old and appreciating all the friends I have. Again, I am talking about those rare friends who know what to say to you when you are down. Who can tell you you're wrong without hurting your feelings. Why is it that the older you get the harder it becomes. Why can't we stay surrounded by the people who make us feel fun and strong and worthwhile? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find a herd to be in? I miss having a group... a herd... a gaggle of friends who laughed at my jokes and had time to get a beer or a cup of coffee.

I realize that this is part of getting older. You change. Your social needs change. You focus on your kids and not so much on yourself. I get that. I just wish that a part of that change was making friends who were in that same place at the same time. Maybe I just need to be looking a little harder for them and appreciating the ones I have even more.

All the things you give up

In order to be a Mom that is. No more late nights out with friends. No more sleeping in on weekends. No more long weekends away just the two of us. No more having way too much fun on Saturday night and spending all of Sunday on the sofa watching TV to "recover". I sometimes miss that stuff. No always, but sometimes. They are the obvious things. But what about the small things?

This weekend I sat down to play a video game with Brian and Jordan. I have always loved playing video games. I know it makes me a little more dorky but what can I say. :D Well, they kicked my butt... at a game I used to own. It has been so long since I found five minutes to play a video game that I had no skills. I felt so sad. I know it was only a game and I know having half of my one hand non-functional didn't help but it just hit a nerve. I miss those little things. An hour of video games. An hour of television to myself. Reading. Listening to music I want to hear in the car. I miss the little things.

I am guessing that in time I will slowly get some of it back. Will I still want it though? Will I have gotten so lost in mommyland that I can't find my way back? I sure hope not. I miss that part of myself. The part that is 20 something and thinks about what would be fun instead of what needs to get done. I miss slowing down for five minutes. I miss not feeling like every minute of every day needs to be filled with accomplishments... even on a small scale.

If anyone finds the map back send it my way.

Piling it on

Life sure has a way of piling it on. My hand (hurts like hell). My sister (is causing drama). My kids (are so out of sorts). My job (is SO FREAKING HARD with one hand to type). My house (is a mess). My life (is overwhelming me). My hair (which I can barely do more than brush with the damn hand). It's all so much. Where is the black hole to crawl into. Where is the maid I so badly need. I am so incredibly frustrated I want to scream. It probably wouldn't help. I think I need a vacation...