Oh, the tragedy!

Who knew that life with three children under the age of seven would come with so much drama and agony???

What's odd is that Grace is not represented in any of these photos...

That could be because she had such a tremendous month...

OR, it COULD be that her meltdowns are too massive to try to photograph!

The things I am going to miss

I know there is a lot I am going to miss about being a Mom of young children. In the moment sometimes I lose sight of this but I know it's coming. The things that plague me the most are probably the things I will miss the most. The diaper changes, the 3 am nursing sessions, the baths that come with a soaking wet bathroom floor, the meals where there is more giggling than eating. These things may drive me nuts now but I will miss them, a lot.

It doesn't help that I am probably mothering my last baby. I wish I wasn't done. I wish more babies would be raised in this family. It makes me sad that despite wanting more and having more love to give we're most likely done. It makes the whole process a little more bittersweet. The fortunate thing is that this realization makes sure that I never take it for granted. I know that middle of the night nursing sessions will soon be over and I will miss them. It won't be long before no one wants to sit on my lap or hold my hand. Eventually me reading a book to them will be something I wish for.

The "tedium" of nursing every few hours... 

Stacks of tiny little diapers...

Boppy pillows and baby toys...

Children strewn about the floor... 

Pacifiers and empty bowls that need cleaning...

Baby swings taking up space in my kitchen...

Piles of baby food containers...

Grace's collection of 12 sticker books that frustrate me half to death...

Princess toys that get left out every single day...

There is so much I will miss. 

When It All Works

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes a good day in our house. It seems that so much of a good day starts with Momma. If Mom is firing on all cylinders than we all seem to work better. In that vain I have started paying attention to my "secrets of success". What am I doing right on the days that work and how can I continue to do those things.

Here is what I have found are my keys to Mothering Success.

1. Drink enough caffeine. I know, I know. It's a lousy place to start but it works for me. A caffeinated Momma is a happy Momma in this house!

2. Spend at least 20 minutes with each kid, by themself, a day. This is easier than it sounds. Not nursing or doing homework or bathing but real time. Read a book THEY choose or a game THEY want to play.

3. Eat dinner together. 

4. Plan dinner ahead of time. I find that when I wait until the last minute to get dinner together then from about 4:30 until 7 are insane in our house. The days when I use the crock pot end up leading to the quietest evenings.

5. Sleep more than 5 hours but less than 8. Not everyone does better with more sleep. I am one of those weird people. Too much sleep, for me, means dragging all day long.

6. Write something. I love to write. I wish I could write more productively, for longer periods of time and with a greater purpose. However, as a working Mom I don't have time to sit down and write my first novel. I find that sitting down to blog, write a letter, write a note to one of my kiddo's, something... gives me a daily catharsis.

7. Go Outside. I think we have established that I am a much nicer person in the warmer months. I am by far more "on my game" when it's above 60 degrees. I have found that even when it's 30 degrees and freezing we all function better if we get a little fresh air. Just because it's cold is no excuse to hide inside, even if we want to.

8. Get some exercise. Many mornings I bundle up Baby Boy and walk with my Mom. It is not always the thing I most want to do at 8 in the morning but I find that after a few miles I feel more energized.

9. Take pictures. I am by no means a great taker of photos. I do, however, LOVE to take pictures. Whether it's on my phone or with my camera a good day is one that I get "on film". At the end of the day I love showing my hubs all the shots I got from the day. I find that looking at the smiles and hugs makes me remember the better parts of the day.

10. Reach out. Whether it's a text to a friend or an e-mail to a family member. It might just be an unexpected hug to my husband or a cuddle with my kids. Human contact is the thing that brings the quickest smile to my face.

There are a lot that didn't make it to the list. Prayer. Me Time. Getting out of the house. They're all important. I think it's just important to think about what works for me and how can I repeat it!

Breast feeding truly is a journey

At eight months Jack is still breast fed 100%. Obviously he is now eating baby and table food but he gets no formula. Aside from the 10cc's he got in the NICU (which for some reason still bugs the crap out of me) he has never had formula. I am in no way shape or form "against" formula (my girls were formula fed) I just wanted to nurse this baby... desperately.

For me it was my one shot at doing things "naturally". Getting pregnant required rounds and rounds of IVF's. Not only IVF but IVF with assisted hatching and ICSI. Staying pregnant required antibiotics, injections, medications and every pregnancy I have ever had (three in total) resulted in some for of loss. (First one was miscarriage, then the girls triplet, then Jack's twin.) Both of my deliveries were rough C-sections. Then I tried like hell to nurse the girls but my milk never came in. So this was my shot at doing a crunchy, granola, naturally maternal thing. I wanted it SO bad.

So, when I got horribly painful thrush in my milk ducts I thought it wasn't going to work. I somehow got through that (the worst pain in my life... worse than a cesarean) I have plugged ducts twice. So the fact that, at 8 months, I am still nursing is HUGE for me. I am guessing that some day I will look back on my nursing journey and it will barely be a blip on the radar. It's a small things for a small period of time. But for me it is something big. An accomplishment I didn't think I was going to get.

**The post nursing milk coma

There is something so special about those little moments. When his hand finds my face and he just rubs. Getting to cuddle him tight at 3 am. Being the one person who can make him feel like everything is right with the world. It's a special bond. 

Not sure when the journey will end. I set periodic goals. First 6 weeks. Then 12. Then 6 months. Now a year. With the year closing in I am guessing I will keep going... at least with a couple of feedings a day. I am guessing when the journey comes to an end I'll know it's time. So until then, yay for nursing mothers! :D

**I love the little mark his ear leaves when he rests on my arm. :D

Our time in the NICU

One of the hardest experiences of our life as a family was the time we spent in the NICU. We were only there for a meager two weeks, which pales in comparison to the months and months that some people are imprisoned there. My heart aches for those people. I know that only two weeks there was enough to temporarily break my spirits. I don’t know how families manage endless months.

The girls were headed to the NICU before they were even born. Because of my gestational diabetes we didn’t have a choice. Couple this with Abby’s diagnosis of brain malformations prior to birth and it really was a no brainer for the doctors.

Abby’s Apgar was very low at birth. Once she was born she was very quickly raised above the sheet just long enough for me to see her tiny blue body. She was then taken to her incubator where five or six doctors and nurses began working on her. Grace came next and she was a little bigger and a little pinker. She even made a little kitty cat meow. I remember thinking over and over “why aren’t they crying” and “why are there SO MANY doctors working on Abby “ and “where are they taking them” even though I knew.

At that point a cyst burst inside my belly and I only remember bits and pieces of the next 12 hours. Once stable I was taken to see the girls in the NICU but sadly I have little memory of it. For the next almost 24 hours I wasn’t able to visit them. I got reports from Brian and our parents and I called the NICU nurses around the clock to see how they were.

They showed no signs of sugar trouble from my diabetes but began showing other problems almost immediately. Grace was too “breathy” for the doctors tastes. She also became jaundiced quickly. She dropped weight quickly. Because she was only 5 pounds 14 ounces at birth the docs didn’t want her to lose too much. Abby was also jaundiced and lost a lot of weight (equally bad because he birth weight was 4lbs 14 oz). The biggest problem she had was not being able to master the suck, swallow, breath reflex. Because of that she ended up with an NG tube in her nose. It was so hard to see such a tiny person struggle that much. The tube made her gag and cause so much mucus in her throat she could barely breath. It was awful.

After a week the doctors decided that Grace and I were stable enough to go home. I felt lucky that my issues during delivery were enough to keep me with the girls that long. That day we make the painstaking journey home with only one of our babies. It was heart wrenching. We knew it was only for a brief period but after everything we had been through to not come home as a family was a slap in the face.

At that point we had to coordinate being at home with Grace but visiting Abby at the hospital. No matter where I was I felt like I was missing out. It felt so torn. It was NOT what you expect in those first few weeks of life.

She finally began to eat a little and got her weight up to five pounds. She needed to be five pounds to be able to come home in a standard car seat. She finally passed the apnea test and was able to get her NG tube out. Each day we went to the NICU hoping and praying that today would be the day. We watched her go from her private room, to the main NICU and eventually to the step down nursery. Then they sent her home.

I have never heard more beautiful words in my whole life that “today you are ALL going home!” 

Such kindness

I hope that mothering my children will leave an imprint on their hearts that will want them to be better mothers. I hope that what I have taught them leaves a lasting impression. While Abby is an inherent mother with her dollies and toys Grace is more "mothering" in other ways. She likes to take care of smaller kids when she is around them. Both types of "mothering" warm my Mommy Soul. 

Whether it's helping a child on the playground or tucking in their toys before they head to school...

It gives me a sense that some of it is rubbing off. 

I heart my phone

For me it seems that much of Jack and my nursing relationship happens at night. Maybe it just seems that way since it's harder to get woken from a dead sleep to nurse versus a mid day snack. Anyway... At 1 or 2 or 3 am feedings one of two things is likely to happen. Early on I read on my Nook or watched tv but now that would just keep the beeb awake longer. So now, those two things are falling half asleep in my hand OR playing on my iPhone. It's usually the latter. Matching with friends, Bag It, Angry Birds, Castle Story, Subway Surfers, Ruzzle and on and on. I've paid bills, done research, ordered wipes or nursing bras ( I think I heart amazon just about as much as I heart my phone!). There is so much in this handheld device to keep me busy. Right now I am rocking jack and typing. So this got me thinking...

What did nursing Moms do before i Phones??? My mom talks about when we were little and hating that the "broadcast day" ended at midnight. I don't think anyone in this generation even knows what a "broadcast day" is! So no phone, no computer, no tv. Yikes! I am not half as attached to my electronics as most people but I can't imagine.

So I declare that my favorite "nursing accessory" isn't the Boppy, or my beloved Aiden and Anais blankets or even my glider chair. It's this phone. Thank you I phone! 

I'm a better mother in the summer

A couple of weeks ago we were lucky enough to hit a "hot spell" in NJ. Instead of our normal 30's and 40's we had weather up in the 50's and 60's. Over the course of that warm weekend we managed to plan out our garden, clean up the remaining leaves in the yard, discuss our plans to make the yard a giant fun zone for the kids this year, plans for a new lettuce box and a wood shed. We figured out where we want to move the sand box and the play house... We got a lot done.

You see, I am a much better mother in the summer. Our mornings are spent either at the library or out in the garden. Our afternoons are spent at the pool. We eat dinner outside and then evenings are filled with long walks, trips to the playground, more swimming, bubbles, sidewalk chalk and sprinkler running. I love the warm weather and I love being outside so it's easy.

We go to the beach... 

 ... and the waterkpark, 

 festivals, 

 the pool, 

 carnivals,

and the aquarium. 

We have friends over...

and do family fun runs. 

We spend hours just hanging out, smelling the roses. 

Winters just make me think of being stuck inside (staring at the walls), tending to sick kids, laundry, and homework. Ugh... so not fun. I do my best to fill the days with baking or craft projects but I almost always feel like I fall short. I try to make sure that my kids don't look back and think that they had good parents... from April through October.