Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

Our Story - Part 3

Back to our story. I think I am up to the month of May in the Lord's year 2005 (doesn't that sound cool). One year and one month of Trying to Conceive (abbrev - ttc). This was the first official "test cycle" with our new endocrinologist, Dr. T. This included me having ultrasounds and blood work (abbrev - b/w) every week and have I mentioned that the ultrasounds are transvaginal, so this was quite a "fun" experience. They (and I) watched as my eggs grew and monitored my hormone levels. During this time my darling husband had to have his testing done in the form of porn and a cup. He dared to compare his experiences of the Semen Analysis with my almost 100 invasive ultrasounds (abbrev - u/s). Anyway, we were going to have to wait a couple of weeks before we got the results back.

In the meantime my monitoring was still going on and we had to do a post-coital test. It is just what it sounds like, have sex the night before, come in the next morning and see how the spermies were mixing with the cervical mucus (I know, ewww). We arrived promptly for our 9 o'clock appointment and had to wait over an hour to be called back. We were co-hosting my ex-friends housewarming party so I was totally stressing about running late. We sat in the waiting room for about half an hour, more stressing, and then got called back. The doctor called us back and told us that we should be able to see the little swimmers under the microscope. So we stood there in the hallway watching him move this slide back and forth, back and forth. At first it seemed fine, Bry and I just standing there and nervously waiting. This continued for 3 or 4 minutes and then the heartache set in. He told us that he saw NOTHING. No dead sperm, no poorly formed sperm, NOTHING. And he says this like it is no big deal.

He took us into an office and proceeded to explain in great detail how this can happen and still not be a problem. He must have given a lot of detail because we were in there for about 20 minutes. I remember nothing. I just sat there, trying so hard not to cry and thinking to myself "oh my God, my husband might be sterile. I might not be able to have my husbands children." Bry got me out of the office without me falling over, but I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

I cried the whole way home and Brian tried to comfort me as best he could. Here I was selfishly mourning MY loss and paying no mind to what he must have been feeling. At that point I had to go home and get pretty for this fu#$ing party. As I was ready to leave for the party Bry's Dad called. So he explained what had happened and that we might be out of the ttc game for good. His father proceeded to give Brian a hard time about not calling his mother enough. I thought I was going to explode at this point. So I left for the party and spent the next several hours trying to keep it together. During the party I got to see my ex-friends brother beautiful, brand-new baby and I was present when her unwed friend announced her pregnancy.

I just couldn't keep myself from thinking that when I looked at my child I would not see his eyes and his nose and his dry sense of humor. Our child is supposed to have my practicality and his spontaneity. How could this be happening? The words donor sperm were rattling around my head like the harshest words I had ever heard. How the hell could I have another man's child?

For the next two days I cried every free minute, it was if I was grieving the loss of my child. The wait for the SA results felt absolutely endless. In that time I cursed God out, told him I didn't believe in him and begged that my husband could have at least a few sperm. The call finally came a few days later and it was mixed news. His count was very low, his morphology was ugly and the motility was lacking. But this still felt like the best news I had ever heard. My baby, my angel, the way she looks in my mind and my dreams might still come to be. We might still be waiting, but thank God we have a chance.

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2 comments:

Mandy 5:09 PM  

I remember that day so vividly. When I read your post I cried--sobs from deep down inside of me. It broke my heart to hear of one more hurdle for you to jump. And then I scrambled to find evidence about the inadequacies of post-coital tests and how you HAD to have hope, that I knew Bry had SOME swimmers! This journey sucks my friend, but you WILL have that beautiful baby girl who has your practicality and his sponteniety. ((hugs))

Anonymous 2:32 AM  

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Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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