Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

Self Preservation

As a therapist I have taught several clients, as well as my students, about our brains ability to "self preserve." Meaning that our brain works very hard to protect us from the thoughts and emotions that create anxiety or turmoil. It all sounds very Freudian( and a psychoanalyst I am not) but there is a lot of validity to it. As many times as I have taught about this topic, I have never truly experienced this... until recently.

In the past couple of weeks my brain has created some of the most bizarre and unusual thoughts in response to all of the stress of our upcoming IVF. As much as I should be nervous and anxious I have only vacillated between excitement and strange gnawing thoughts. Thoughts that make absolutely no real sense. The other day while driving to Wegmans (the best grocery store ever) and I found myself sitting at a traffic light thinking to myself "what the hell am I doing. My life is so fine without kids of my own. Why do I want kids anyway?" When I am thinking clearly I obviously don't feel this way. So I chocked it up to being tired and cranky.

The next day while also driving I found myself saying "I never wanted kids anyway. So what the hell are you doing wanting them now?" This is so not true. I have always wanted kids, in fact I used to want FIVE. Today was the pinnacle of crazy thinking. I actually told myself that I do not deserve kids and asked what I have ever done to deserve them. So this is all not clear, rational thought. At this point my best, clinical guess is that my brain is starting now to protect itself. Should the worst happen and our IVF leads to another BFN (big fat negative) than I won't fall apart at the seams. It just strikes me as odd the lengths that our minds will go to in order to protect ourselves.

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4 comments:

tim 3:19 AM  

Your brain is just becoming buddhist. Eliminating desire will eliminate suffering, so it thinks. A very nice theory indeed. Might lead to a pointless life, but heck, pointless is better than suffering.

Your mind knows from experience that not having a kid was no problem a few years ago. It also knows from observation that others don't want kids and aren't tortured by it themselves. And still others are tortured by the very opposite thing, having a kid they don't want.

In a quest for the logic behind all of this, your mind makes you think there must be some sort of reward/punishment system going on, but a quick observation of the world around you invalidates that claim.

A world of undue suffering is way too cruel to live in, but thats what it starts to look like.

Your mind however, could be onto something in all of its thoughts. A world of only undue blessing is heaven. If suffering is deserved and blessing is undue, then the world could look alot like it does. Then you need not worry if you deserve anything good. You are only thankful for what you have, hopeful for more, and humbled by your lack of control.

Mandy 6:20 PM  

Wow...I'm certainly not as eloquent as that last comment. But it always suprises me what your brain will come up with trying to make logic of a situation. And trying to protect you from the worst case scenario. I've said it before and will continue to say it, try to have faith my friend. THIS IS GONNA WORK!! No one deserves to be parents more than you and Bry. ((hugs))

Beth 6:51 AM  

Kristen I am so with you on this one. I wrote pretty much the same thoughts yesterday - about how dispassionate I am becoming over IVF all of a sudden. I, too, vacillate between an "okay this will work so don't sweat it mindset" to "do we even really want kids" - when clearly I know we desperately do. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. It looks like we may be starting Lupron very close to each other.

Anonymous 10:05 PM  

Where did you find it? Interesting read » »

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Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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