Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

The End

Our first round of IVF officially FAILED. I have had a few days of negative pregnancy tests, to which we told ourselves that it was "just to early." Although I did sit and stare at those tests asking what the hell was wrong with them. The second line had to be there. I knew that it was going to be there. Then the spotting and bleeding started. I guess it isn't official til the negative blood test on Monday, but we know that this is it.

We are both absolutely heartsick. Those were our babies. They had our DNA, a gender, a hair color an eye color. They even had a genetically determined personality and now they are gone. We even had their picture. Now we feel as if we have truly "lost" something. Up until now there was nothing and no one to mourn, now that has changed. We go between crying and completely numb. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. We just look at each other and feel sad. I feel so unbelievably sad.

I want to find some black hole and climb in where no one can find me. I was to smash every plate in the whole house. I want to scream. I am sad, I am angry, I am sick, I am shattered. I don't even know how I go to the next step from here. Is there even a next step? This was supposed to be the happiest week of my life, and I have never felt so miserable. I not only feel like I am back where I started, I feel like I am 10 steps behind that. After 2+ years, being the best person I could be, helping others, donating half my eggs. Doing every god damned good deed I could think of to get all the karma I could. I got screwed again.

I just knew that this was going to work. There was almost no doubt in my mind. One of those babies was going to stick. In fact more than one was going to stick. I knew it, I felt it. I was so wrong.


Anonymous 4:52 PM
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Plant Girl 6:52 PM  

You already know my feelings. Sending you hugs from Idaho. Damn...

Anonymous 7:14 PM  

I wish there words to console you after your first neg, but I remember it so very well and it's just heartbreaking.
Unfortunately ivf is purely a numbers games, the more you do it the more likely it is to succeed. And that's all you can do, keep on trying. I remember my very first cycle, like you I was just shattered and angry and inconsolable. By the 4th transfer I was not expecting it to work, and it did. (Ended badly, but that's another chapter).

So what I'm trying to say is, expect the worst and hope for the best. IVF is a hard slog for the best of us, but don't give up because with determination you will definitely get there.
Be kind to yourself and do something nice for you both.... x

Sami 8:48 PM  

I'm sorry... I have no advice to give, but I know that this stinks and is not fair and I wish that things were different. Go spend time with your hubby - that's about the best advice I can give. Again so very sorry.

Kristin, Rod, and Victoria 10:13 PM  

Oh Kristen, my heart aches for you right now. I was away for the weekend, and was so hoping I'd come back to some wonderful news. I'm still keeping everything possible crossed that by some miracle tomorrow will bring good news for you and Bry. I'm a firm believer in miracles, and know they seem to happen when you think you can't take any more. Your miracle is long overdue. Sending you huge hugs from Michigan.

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About this blog

Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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