Why??

Yet another sleepless, dreamless night has landed me right back to feeling completely miserable. As soon as I feel ok, I feel like I get my head above water, I go back to square one. I feel like I did two weeks ago when the pain was so fresh. I just can't help but think how close I was to having it all. The one thing that I want more than anything. To be a family. To have this perfect little person that was half him and half me and now it feels farther away than it ever did.

We were talking today about how unbelievably hard it has been to feel ok after the miscarriage. Bry has volunteered to coach our nephews soccer team. After his coaching meeting today he told me, with almost teary eyes how hard it was to sit and listen to all the other men talk about their sons. Here is this man who acts like a father to these three kids, makes the sacrifices that a father makes and yet I can't give him that gift. I never knew how bad all this could hurt.

I just want to feel like me again. I want to laugh and really feel happy. I want to smile and not have to do it with effort. How could I have had that for three weeks only to have it ripped away from me. Why, why, why???