Hurts like hell

I knew that losing our baby was going to hurt bad. I never had any idea that it would hurt like this. I guess that I just figured after 2 and a half years of trying to get pregnant that God would be good enough to give us a healthy pregnancy. I never really prepared myself for this possibility. I doubt that anyone ever does, but I sort of feel like I should have known better. The word miscarriage floated around in my head up until the day I found out it was going to happen to us. I remember mentally calling it the "M" word so that I would not jinx myself.

It is hard to believe that we could work so hard to become parents, finally become pregnant and then lose our child. How could that happen. I spent every day of those three or four weeks planning our life with this baby. It was going to be perfect. A March baby meant that by vacation time we would have a four month old. Little enough to impress the pants off everyone but big enough that we would be part of the routine. I wouldn't have to do pregnancy in the hot, hot weather. His/her birthday would be right next to my nieces b-day, which she loved.

It just seemed like everything was going to work out swimmingly. Instead it has all fallen apart. No every time I see a pregnant woman or a small baby my heart actually hurts. When I think of what I lost my stomach flip flops. When I wonder what happens to the baby we lost I feel like I am going to pass out. It all just overwhelms me more than I thought it ever could. I am strong woman, I hold it together, I am the one that manages despite any negative circumstances. Instead I feel like a complete mess. My life feels like it is in shambles. No house, no children, no money, no car, a job I barely like... It was all supposed to be so diffferent. We didn't sign up for this. There is no getting our money back at this point. Just trudge forward, hope for the best and do the best that we can do.