Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

My Losses

I have been thinking a lot lately about the miscarriages that Brian and I have had. The first miscarriage was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I spent about a month or two mourning my loss and the devestation that losing a child meant. The second miscarriage (that was the loss of our triplet) was one that I did not spend a lot of time mourning. I was so thrilled to be pregnant with twins that I worked very hard to move past the loss. It was not until the birth of my beautiful girls that I started to think about that baby.

I wonder where that baby is. Is he/she in heaven waiting for me? Do I get to meet that little one some day? My nephew often asks me if we chose a name for that baby and I try to explain that we did not know if we were having a boy or a girl, so no we didn't. Now I can't help but wonder whether that little soul was a girl sould or a boy soul. I guess I didn't mourn the loss then so I have to do it now.

It is just strange how the first miscarriage was so devestating and we never had a heartbeat. Then the second loss seemed so much easier even though we did have a heartbeat and growth. Now it seems to hurt a little more. Would my girls have had a brother or a sister?

There are so many questions unanswered and so much pain to work through. I just hope that wherever my little one is s/he knows how much Mommy loves them...


Emilie 12:39 PM  

That way lies madness, what coulda shoulda woulda been. Love was there. You loved that little unnamed soul. That is all that needs be remembered. When life is gone, love remains. Focus on the love.
Sometimes the souls we love are gifts we can not keep, but the memory of the love is something no amount of distance or time can take away.
Love your family. Love your life. And keep going forward.

OHN 7:08 PM  

We had the (mis)fortune of knowing that all 4 of our losses were girls. When someone asks me if I have any daughters (I have 3 great boys) and I tell them no, I always feel like I am lying or something, which is ridiculous but those little girls were going to be our daughters. I don't think we ever really forget.



About this blog

Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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