Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

Opening old wounds

It seems like everything that has been going on in my life right now is opening up some old wounds that I wish would just heal and be left alone. I have already written a post that will go live on Aug 2nd as that is the anniversary of the day I found out about my first miscarriage. For me is was one of the two worst days of my life. (The day we found out at 17 weeks pregnant that something was wrong with Abby and she might not make it was right up there.) For almost 3 weeks I got to be pregnant. I got to feel good and smell the roses and know that I WAS GOING TO BE A MOM. The battle wasn't complete won but I could see the smoke clearing. I felt so damn good it almost hurt. And then one day I went to the doctor and they saw nothing. No heartbeat. No baby. NOTHING. My numbers had rose. I felt sick. Everything seemed right. And in that moment, which I will never ever forget, my whole world got turned upside down. Not only did I have to live with years of Christmases, Mothers Days, Birthdays, and on and on battling my infertility. But then my first IVF didn't work. I KNEW that it would. I could feel in my bones that it would only take one cycle. I was wrong. Then my first FET worked. And I KNEW it would be the one. Wrong again.

The darkness that consumed me after that loss was immeasurable. The pain was numbing. My baby was really never a baby. A blighted ovum they said. But to me that was my first baby. I went to a place where getting out of bed was optional. Hating everyone and everything was acceptable. Looking at every mother or child in a store and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. I felt consumed. As the cloak lifted slowly my life went on. I got pregnant again. I lost a baby again (another story for another day). But that pain never has and I don't think ever will go away.

It's unexplainable. It's life altering. It rattles you where you stand to feel so sad and so hurt and so betrayed.

Now I have to sit back and watch a wonderful person endure this while simultaneously watching a horrible person avoid it. It has dredged up so much old stuff I don't even know what to do with it. I need a box to put it all in for a while. I want to scream and rant and cry all over again.

Hopefully once the 2nd passes and my friends cloak starts to lift I will feel better. Life will go on. I will try again and who knows what the future holds. I guess for now I'll just sit and cry a little to continue this very long grieving process.

3 comments:

Anonymous 11:09 PM  

There are some things we never get over--we just learn to cry a little less each time it hits us. I've found that the older you get the more life becomes about living with the things that make you feel bad, not expelling them.

You're under a lot of pressure right now with the kids and family and friend stuff, so cut yourself some slack and do something totally out of the ordinary by yourself (if you can)--something totally luxurious--like grab a magazine and sit at a coffee shop for a couple for hours.
~Anon C

Nichole 11:31 PM  

Kristen - I'm sorry you've had to face such challenges lately. Hang in there - the clouds will eventually part... I'm thinking about you...

Blondie 11:39 PM  

I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking about you! No one should have to endure such hardships. It's great that you can write about it and get your feelings down on "paper," though, especially for those around you who are going through similar things!

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Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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