As Brian and I sit on our hands and wait for the right time to try for another baby I can't help but feel those old resentful infertile feelings to rise to the surface of my being again. I have to watch my barely sane sister go through her pregnancy with no regard for her future or the future of this child. No plans. No idea what is going to happen. And I have to wait.
When I started a new cycle this past week I came very close to starting an IVF cycle. We have frozen embryos so a frozen cycle is fairly easy to initiate. I got as far as a call to my doctors office to schedule an ultrasound but bagged the whole thing before it began. Brian and I sat down to talk and decided that as ready as we might be our life is not. My sister. The girls probably starting their preschool next year (they'll be eligible for preschool because of their special needs) around the time a due date would roll around for a cycle that started now. Trying to figure out what to do with our insurance (long story... we have open enrollment in Nov. and would like to switch to another plan but that plan doesn't have IF coverage). The kids having to deal with my sisters new baby; it might be too much to be welcoming two babies into the family under the circumstances...
So we're back to waiting. Maybe next month, maybe next year. Who the heck knows. Certainly not I. I wish that so many things weren't up in the air. I wish that I had more control over these extraneous variables. I wish that my being ready was enough. Guess I'll keep wishing.
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