Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

Ashley's Eulogy

Ashley's Mom recently posted her daughters Eulogy. As I read it I thought of it's beauty and it's sadness and how those two things can be so mixed together. I was going to keep it to myself but then I read her final request. That was for us to not allow Ashley to be forgotten. To talk about her, share about her, love her even though she's not here. So I want to share those words with you. Mostly because Ashley has taught me a great deal about being a Mom and loving my children. I just hope that the same lesson goes on and on for many of us.

Ashley's Eulogy

For those of you who have been asking for a copy of Ashley's euology... I thought this might be the easiest way to get it to you.

To try to come up with words to encompass all of what Ashley was is nearly impossible. There are not enough words to describe her spirit. Ashley, you are so wonderful, so sweet, so compassionate, so caring, so loving, so energetic, such an extrovert, so intelligent, such a perfectionist, so wise beyond your years. We are your parents and we're supposed to be teaching you, but instead you taught us. You taught us how to love unconditionally and so completely. You taught us how to laugh, to cry, to be undescribably happy, to appreciate the small things, to stop and enjoy each moment, to slow down and enjoy today. We will always take those gifts with us... we will never take them for granted.

When you love someone so much and so completely, there is never enough time. We could have had Ashley here for 10 years, 30 years, 50 years and it would never be enough. You don't realize how deeply and completely you love your children until they are threatened to be taken away or when they are gone. Ashley really taught us to love. Not just because she was our child and we loved her because of it, but by her example.

Ashley, you touched so many peoples lives in the short time you were here. I know there was a great purpose for your life and I feel blessed that I got to share in that purpose.

We were so sad when we woke up the first morning without you, but then we looked out the window and saw it snowing. We watched the huge flakes of the most beautiful snow we've ever seen and we wondered what it must be like in heaven... how much more beautiful it must be from that view and we knew you were helping sprinkle the snow down on us.

We won't be sad for you... We won't be sad that you don't have to suffer anymore... We won't be sad that you are in a better place... that you can fly free without worry or heartache or hurt or pain.

We will be sad for us. We'll be sad for the hole that you left in our hearts. I'll be sad for all those little things that were so special to just you and me, all those little secrets that we shared, all those special conversations that we've had, all those little things that you did to make me laugh, to make me cry, to make me angry, to make me sad... for the special person that you became.

It's okay that you didn't stay with us. Until we understood and accepted that you were never really ours to begin with, did we thank God for the time that you were entrusted to us, instead of wishing for the time we didn't have.

We are so comforted to know that Alyssa and Cara and RoseMary are welcoming you into heaven and you can finally run and play and swim and sing and laugh like you've wanted to for so long.

Few people are blessed with the understanding and perspective that you gave us. I'm sorry that you had to go through so much suffering to teach us that lesson, but we promise we will never take it for granted. Few people get to really understand the deep, all encompassing love for a child. It is usually always there, but you often don't realize it until they are gone.

From the first moment when we got the first glimplse of your tiny body and those beautiful eyes, we fell hopelessly in love. Little did we know that the love would keep growing and growing. Little did we know how much joy you would bring to our lives. We are better people because of you.

Ashley, you truely loved life. It was easy to see that you wanted to soak up every minute.

It will warm our hearts and break our hearts...

Every time we think about what a fiesty newborn you were... keeping us up from 7 until 3 in the morning, so tense and crying. How we wish you could still keep us up.

Every time we think about when you were learning to crawl and you got your legs stuck under the couch because you ended up going backwards instead of forwards.

Every time we think about how badly we wanted you to take your first steps and how we worked with you and worked with you , but you always did things in your own time. No one has ever been able to push you before you've been ready.

Every time we think of you sleeping so peacefully with your little lamb blanket against your face.

Every time we think of you falling asleep with a book over your face.

Every time we think about bundling you up in your snowsuit, hat and gloves. From the very first time you fell face first into the snow, until the last couple times we went sledding and the last couple of snowmen we built. Every time we see it snow, we'll think of you.

It will warm our hearts and break our hearts...

Every time we think of you at Debbie's house with a trail of kids behind you. You were such a leader, always the first one to suggest what everyone should do. We wish you were still here to lead us along the way.

Every time we think of how much you loved the water. When you went swimming for the first time at 5 months old, putting you in your tiny little suit and watching you splash and kick in the pool. When you played and played in the bathtub and never wanted to get out. When you would practice swimming and teach Kenzie to do the same. When you would play for hours in an inflatable pool in our back yard.

It will warm our hearts and break our hearts...

Every time we think about our trips to lake cumberland. You were so relaxed in the water, even as a little baby with your little sunhat and sunglasses and wrapped so tight in your life jacket. When you were older and you just couldn't wait to put on your swimsuit and jump in the boat. When you would ride on the tube with us and look so scared, but then ask to do it again. When one time out wasn't enough and you would beg to go back out again.

Every time we think about you walking out the front door in your flip flops and swimsuit to play on the beach and make a sandcastle or try to catch tadpoles or baby frogs.

Every time we think about our trip to Michigan beach. How you loved playing in that soft sand. How you laughed and giggled when you would stomp down grandpa's sand castles after you promised you wouldn't.

Every time we think about you walking with grandma around the yard, picking out your favorite flowers, so curious about what each one was and how they grow.

Every time we think about you riding the big wheel and rolling hulla hoops down grandpa and grandma's hill.

It will warm our hearts and break our hearts...

Every time I think about you riding on your dad's shoulders, laying on his back on the living room floor, racing him down the lane to the mailbox, and having him chase you up and down the slides at the playground.

Every time I think about you doing something just like I would do, or act like I would act, or say what I would say.

Every time we think about you how you would ask so many questions. You would keep asking and asking and asking until you understood and then you would move on to the next thing. You were always so smart beyond your years. You could carry on a brilliant conversation with any adult. Everyone who has met you has always said that you were going places... that you were really going to be something special and really do something with your life... and you did.

It will warm our hearts and break our hearts...

Every time we hear one of your favorite songs. You loved to sing. I could sing a song 2 times and you would already know all the words. You were always singing... even when you were by yourself and you thought no one was listening.

Every time we think of cuddling on the couch with you in the evening. Every night you would ask to have movie night with a bowl of popcorn. It was always so important to you to have everyone cuddle on the couch together in front of the fire with the lights down low. We will cherish that always.

Every time we think about how you never stopped running from the moment you woke up until the time we physically laid you in bed at night. You always had so much energy. Friends and family would always ask, "Does she ever stop?" and our answer would always be no.

Everytime we think about how dramatic and emotional you were. Sometimes you would exasperate us, but when you give so much of yourself and you love so deeply, as you did, you can't help but be dramatic and emotional.

I truely believe that our children are not really our children. That they are God's children and he entrusts them to our care. He knew that we could take care of Ashley better than anyone else. I thank God everyday for the blessing of her life and the time that He gave us, even as short as it was. And I understand why God wanted her back. If I was Him, I would want her back.

Thank you for helping us appreciate the little things in life that most of us tend to overlook and pass right by.

Thank you for making us slow down and enjoy the little moments.

Thank you for teaching us to laugh, to cry, to hope, to love.

You gave such meaning to our lives and all those lives you've touched along the way.

We love you Ashley. We love you with all our hearts.




About this blog

Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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