The situation with my sisters pregnancy ebbs and flows like the rising and falling of the tides. I am angry. I feel less angry. I get angry again and it wanes a little more. Right now I feel like the anger is peaking again. My sisters plan for raising this child is for it to be with it's "father" when he is home then the rest of the days (when my sister works, doesn't feel like being a mother or wants to sleep) will be divided between me, my Mom and my older sister. Here's the problem(s) as I see them.
1. This child deserves continuity. How in the hell can you have a nap schedule when 16 people are raising a child???
2. This kids father could give a crap about it's well-being.
3. As much as it pains me to say it you can repeat #2 about the child's mother.
4. My mom is too old to be shouldering this responsibility.
5. As my Mom is raising my nephews (who are the other two of my sisters children... who she doesn't raise) it would kill them to have this new baby, their half sister, come in and our of their lives upon my sisters whims.
6. My older sister needs to get her life on track. She has been through some tough times and being a part of raising a child is not easy for someone who needs to get their life in order.
7. So that leaves me... and my husband... and my children. Who will likely carry the weight of this load. And what a load. To watch this child come and go into a household where diaper changes and midnight feedings *MIGHT* happen if she is lucky. Where her father thinks spanking a 6 month old is reasonable. Where her mother is more concerned with what medications she can get back on rather than worrying about breast feeding.
The whole thing makes me sad and angry and hurt all at the same time. How can this kid be brought into a world to a mother who could care less when I have to sit and watch people who I love struggle endlessly with infertility. How can this be fair? Why do I have to wait to even TRY for more children because I MIGHT have to help raise this child. What about this is fair? What about this is reasonable? How in the hell do I explain this to my daughters? Or myself? It feels a little like a nightmare. You watch it unfold and you are relatively powerless to do a damn thing.
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5 comments:
Does your sister just want the baby so she can pretend to be a mother?
I see that you said she wants the "father" to be in the baby's life... Is that only because she wants to keep him around?
I'm just wondering if the baby would be better off being adopted (quite possibly by you) so it would have a steady, caring, scheduled-nap home...
Unfortunately though that would probably open up a whole 'nother can of worms then with her trying to step in as the mother when she wants to...
*SIGH* I'm sorry you're in such a lose-lose situation... I wish I had an answer for you...
*HUGS*
I wish I could help you. Know I'm here though, if you need to talk. Always!! *hugs*
What a tough situation. If I were in your shoes I would tell my sister "no" that you won't help to raise another one of her children without some legal custodial rights. That you will be in this child's life in as much as an Aunt would. And if you suspect abuse, call social services...every day if you have to...until problems are resolved. I would suggest your parents do the same. This plan won't work unless you're all on the same page. Since she is clearly incapable of raising a child, she will either get overwhelmed and come around and give up her rights or social services will take the baby and you can become its foster family. Your sister is not in the business of harming her own children, which is why she has passed them over to you guys. The baby will get through this period.
The truth is that she is holding you all hostage with her children, and you are allowing it to happen. She is on a "wash, rinse, repeat" cycle in which you all take part. She will never stop the cycle, so it is up to you and your parents to do that for her. As long as you keep caring for her children with little consequences to her, she will keep having them.
A close friend of mine just went through this with her older sister. She and her parents said "enough" and eventually, her parents gained legal custody of the sister's child. It was a rough road, but it didn't last that long compared to the painful years they had spent placating the sister's whims. it took her sister 3 months without any help (and 2 social services visits along with some very dramatic arrests) to hand her child over. Done and done. Whatever emotional and mental damage was done to the child in those months will be well overshadowed by her new, loving, consistent household in which she will grow up.
good luck.
Anonymous said it better than I did but I agree. You need to tell your sister that this time you won't do it unless she abides by your (and your parents') "rules".
Thanks you guys. It always helps to see it through other people's eyes.
Anon - Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I am finding what you said very helpful. It is hard to put all these emotions in the right "box". Thank you!
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