I feel sad.
I feel melancholic.
I feel beaten up.
I feel like my tank is completely empty.
I feel a little lost in my own life.
I am sad for the life I had planned. All those "things" I was going to do perfectly. I feel grief for missing out on certain "normal things". I am feeling sorry for myself today (obviously).
It's all coming out. All of the issues that come with Abby's diagnosis are showing up, one by one, in large, loud, scary fashion. The OCD. The anxiety. The inability to sleep or eat or grow normally. It make me SO INCREDIBLY SAD.
Last night I had to sit and listen to her scream at the top of her lungs after putting her to bed "I AM SCARED. THE BUGS. THEY ARE ALL OVER ME!"
Do you have any idea what that is like? Thankfully we know it isn't anything like a hallucination because as soon as we enter the room it stops. It is stemming from her nightmares and her anxiety and her vivid imagination.
I can fix skinned knees. I can kiss bumped heads and bruises. I can give her therapy for building strength.
I CAN'T kiss away OCD. I CAN'T fix real, vivid anxiety. I CAN'T pray away Rhombencephalosynapsis and all that comes with it. I HATE that. I HATE the powerlessness and not knowing what to do.
Most days I am fine. I am strong. I am confident and able and ready. But today I don't have enough in the tank. I feel swept up. I feel chewed up and spit out. It could be the fact that Abby had everyone in the house up until almost 1 am and then was up throughout the night. It could be the scary reality that life is going to be really, really hard for my child and I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIX IT.
Thankfully tomorrow is a new day... come on tomorrow!