Today I struggle

I struggle with the fact that I have no idea what is going on inside my own body. I struggle with the fact that I have been pregnant with a total of six babies and I have two children to show for it. I struggle with the fact that statistically this baby will not make it. I am really struggling with the knowledge that this little baby is potentially fighting and struggling against the walls that are closing in all around him. And there is NOTHING I can do about it.

This was supposed to be our "easy baby". We laughed and joked that this one would sleep the night before it was 4. Then we found out our easy baby was babies. That scared the hell out of us. But that was in vain because just as quick as it began, it was over. Then we started to move forward with the original thought of getting to parent a singleton. Now what?

Do you know that the chances of losing a baby after you see the heartbeat are only around 5%? FIVE PERCENT! SO far we have lost two babies with heartbeats. I struggle with the fact that we can defy statistics when it comes to rare diagnoses and miscarriage and twin pregnancies but we can't be on the opposite side of this dumb luck.

So today I am struggling. I know that tomorrow will be harder. Every day that I trudge closer to Wednesday my heart feels heavier and heavier. I pray that in three days we will be getting miraculous news. I hope, I pray, I beg. But I still prepare for what is most likely.

Keep us in your prayers.