I want to find it and clim inside. Where the hell is a nice quiet black hole when you need one? I sit here writing (instead of working). At least 15 times a day for the past few days I have had to remind myself that laying my head on my desk and crying instead of working is not going to really help. But in that moment it's all I want to do. I am teetering on the brink. Tomorrow I find out if my baby is alive or dead. And even if (s)he is alive will it stay that way?
The question is how the heck can ask myself to work, cook, clean, bath children, answer phone calls, sleep, eat, etc. when this is in the back of my head 24 hours a damn day. I am doing it. I am blindly trudging through my days. Trying my hardest to pretend that nothing is wrong. Trying to keep my kids in the dark. It's taking everything I got but I am doing it.
Tomorrow is the day. 1:30.