It was but it wasn't

About a month ago I thought I was coming down with something. I felt icky and run down. We have been sick NON-STOP this winter so I figured it was the millionth cold. When I realized I was also a little "late" my heart skipped a beat. How many times have I been pulled into that naive thought "could I be pregnant all on my own?" But I was. I bought a test and you could have knocked me over with a feather.

We had done what they said we couldn't do. We got pregnant on our own. After five cycles of IVF and years of trying on our own it happened. I. WAS. SHOCKED. I can't say that I had the elated, giddy feeling I had in the past when I saw that + sign. Although we toyed with the idea of more we have a full plate. We let it sink in for a day or two and I called the clinic.

They brought me in for bloodwork and again two days later. The numbers were not great. They looked like an ectopic pregnancy (very low doubling time) so in I went for an ultrasound. When I sat down for that ultrasound it was so surreal. I never thought I would be in that place again in my entire life.

The ultrasound showed a uterine pregnancy but it was measuring way, way behind where I should be.

*The dates are where they measured me not where I should have been. 

They decided to let me go another week and bring me back to check for a heartbeat. It was an excruciating week of waiting. After the painful wait was over there is was. A teeny, tiny flicker of a heartbeat.

Baby was still way behind where I should have been and they were assuming my dates were off. This concerned me a lot because I knew my numbers could not be that far off but we waited another week.

We started the mental preparation for a loss but they continued to shine us on that "everything was fine" and "the numbers were just off". I had a feeling they were wrong. When I went the following week the progress was minimal. Baby had gone from measuring 5w 6days (when I should have been 7.5 weeks) to 6 weeks 1 day.

The bad went to worse when they called later and said my progesterone had fallen from 40 to 14. We started to officially prepare.

I won't share all the gory details but this part Sunday night the miscarriage began and this morning they confirmed the loss by ultrasound.

This was loss number 4. This one hit particularly hard since we weren't trying. All the years of trying and never preventing and not one time. Then this. It's hard to make sense of it. When it's all said and done we'll be fine. We have three kids. We have the boys and Gen. Our lives are incredibly full and busy and exactly what we want. It just doesn't soften the blow all that much.

 But the grass is getting greener and the sun is shining brighter. Spring is coming and we're trying to focus on that. Moving forward isn't easy but we've done it again and again. We will now. It'll be the fourth and last time we say goodbye in this way.