This one sucks

I have had four miscarriages in my life. I lost my first pregnancy due to a blighted ovum. That was during our second attempt at IVF. I. WAS. DEVASTATED. It took me months to dig my way out of the black hole that shoved me into. After four years of trying, three failed IUI's and a failed IVF cycle that loss was huge for me. I don't think I have ever gotten over it.

My second loss occurred during my pregnancy with the girls. We chose to put three embryo's back and all three stuck. Baby C was smaller and less developed from the first ultrasound. The doctors thought that that baby would never develop to the point of having heartbeat. They were wrong. Tiny baby C continued to develop for several weeks, had a heartbeat but died around 10 weeks. I think we were by far more prepared for this loss. The doctors told us all along that Baby C had a very minimal chance of survival.

The third loss was Jack's twin. That pregnancy was up and down from the beginning. My HCG numbers weren't good. My progesterone was too low. The sac was too small around both babies. Baby B was way behind Baby A (Jack). But with that pregnancy both babies had nice strong heartbeats. We got all the way to 11 weeks before we lost Baby B. Even at that point it didn't look good for Jack. At one point he had something like a 10% chance of survival... but he made it! I think this is the loss we never really dealt with. We were so concerned with keeping Jack developing that we never took the time to mourn the loss we had.

Then we have number four. And the only word that comes to mind with this one is heartbreak. We didn't want another one. We weren't trying. Then we had a baby there just long enough to be heartbroken when it wasn't. It seems so pointless and unfair. And now I'm mad. I'm mad at God. We're not even really speaking at this point. I just feel wronged somehow. And I can't get past the mad long enough to actually deal with it.

It doesn't help that every time I turn around someone is showing me a picture of a new baby that has been born recently. Or that my instagram feed has a plethora of sweet baby faces. Or when Jack cries I feel like I can hear cries of babies that aren't here. It just hurts.

I know it'll get easier in time. It always does. It just feels like this one is so different. We weren't asking for a baby and we got one just long enough to lose it. A tiny part of us thought maybe we should try but the larger part knows that we're done. I couldn't do this process again.

I guess we just need some time.