I was driving to work today and I was listening to a CD I recently made. Of course, it was filled with pretty melancholic music. As I spent the 45 minutes driving along I tried to find a way to adequately describe how I have been feeling lately. A very dear friend of mine (and she knows who she is) asked me today if I am ok, since I have been so quiet lately. It got me to thinking... am I ok??????????? How am I doing???? So I asked myself... "are you ok." Unfortunately the answer was 'no'.
It's not that I am doing terribly, it's just that I don't feel like me these days. I feel as if I am slowly (but surely) fading away. I know how depressing that sounds and it isn't as bad as all that... BUT... it is how I feel. It is as if the longer I go on with this shit of trying to get pregnant, trying to get what everyone else in the friggin world have, trying to be NORMAL the less I can BE.
At the beginning of TTC we got lots of attention. People were curious what this whole thing was. They saw me cry, they saw me be hopeful, they saw me disappointed. Now I am so damn numb to the whole thing that I have nothing left to show the world. I get up, I go to work, I go through my day like I always did, but some days I feel like I am watching myself be me. I am not actually getting to play the role of 'Me.' I am sorta starting to miss me. I guess maybe one of these days I will find myself again. Until then... I search.
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3 comments:
I know that the clinical psychologist probably doesn't need any psych advice from the "dirt girl", but have you thought about talking to someone? Someone other than your husband or the rest of us interner or IRL friends. Someone unbiased and trained to help with grief counseling.
Alot of what you write sounds like how I felt last year in August. Although a huge step for me to take, it did wonders for me to start seeing a therapist. And I know how much you try to deny it, we are quite similar! ;)
Just a thought. You can always tell me to blow it out my ass and I won't be offended. Wish I was closer so we could talk in person.
Love ya.
I know how depressed it all sounds, but I am using this blog to allow myself to vent all of the sadness, frustration and anger I have. Getting it out makes me feel so much better. It is as if once I write it and others read it, the feeling has been validated and I can move on.
I love you for caring M.
blogging can be like self-regulated psychotherapy. Getting it out really can be validating and therapeutic. I hope you can reclaim some sense of "you" soon.
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