My family is complicated. Not unlike most families in this country and this day and age. My Mom and Dad raise my niece and nephew. My niece because my sister who got pregnant in high school did the noble and selfless thing and did what was best for her daughter. My nephews because my other sister got (in my opinion intentionally) pregnant by different men in her early twenties. She suffers from chronic mental illness (diagnosed Bi Polar disorder and likely an undiagnosed comorbid personality disorder). She is much less selfless in that she continues to live in my parents house and assert her "authority" over the situation despite providing any care, physical, emotional or monetary. I have spent years trying to be her champion, her aide and the person who "fixed" her and it has all been to no avail. She chooses to live in a world of highs and lows, alcohol and prescription pill use and the revolving door of medical professionals and medications. It has been nothing short of torture to watch my little sister turn into someone I don't know and that I basically despise. I have gone from rushing to the hospital to be at her bedside after her suicide attempts to hardly caring when she threatens. As you can imagine this is not something I am particularly proud of.
So after having two children she has very little to do with other than to threaten to take them away from their family and their home she has voiced her desires to have another child. In some bizzaro world she thinks that somehow she would have the ability to be a good mother. Overlooking the fact that her previous behavior should serve as a predictor of future behavior.
Well she pregnant... again. With a man who, in my opinion, is a complete piece of trash. He has multiple kids with multiple moms and has made no commitment to any of them. She has no ability to care for the kids she has and she is having another.
As selfish as it is how can I not ask "why not me????" I want more kids. I can care for more kids. I would love more kids. And yet it is her who can defy the odds (of cervical issues, high levels of medications that should render her infertile, alcohol, promiscuity, etc) and get pregnant at the very thought of having another child. How can life be so unfair. How can a child be subjected to her as a mother while thousand of couples battle infertility every year. How the hell can something like this happen?
So, this explains my recent depression and desperation, I may be a God fearing woman but finding God in these things is not an easy task. In my heart I truly hope that this child is the answer to her prayers. That she can find a life where she is a good mother and independent and in a loving relationship. In my head I know that this is yet another train wreck waiting to happen. I see the collision about to happen and all I can do is stand there with no ability to move or speak.
Who knows what the future holds but for now all I can do is pray. For the sons she has tossed aside. For this new child who is being brought into these circumstances. For my entire family who seems one crisis away from a complete Chernobyl. For my sister who seems to be a lost cause. All I feel like I can do is pray.
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4 comments:
I'll help you pray...
Well, I'm supposed to have some eloquently comforting philosophical statement at times like these, but this one is tough as it touches on my own spiritual struggle with God's seemingly blatant absence.
The thing I keep getting reminded in life is absolutely anything goes. Whatever kind of insider help I used to think I would get is a wish that's been repeatedly blown to pieces, and that's unsettling.
I don't feel I've even gotten close to processing that. Does it mean I am safe from nothing but it doesn't really matter, that life is temporary and relatively insignificant? Does it mean people can handle way more than it appears and abundant opportunities for redemption will come all along the way, so I'm really just learning to forgive myself and forgive others always? Does it mean life is far more serious than I am and I need to shape up and live right because my impact is monumental?
I know the view I settle on will have an enormous impact on how I live my life, so why can't I pick a path? Better yet, why am I not shown one?
It's obvious (to some of us anyway) that irresponsibility is horribly destructive to countless lives around us. So living a responsible life is paramount. But what the hell do we do to help others live that way? How do we know we aren't doing things that inadvertently contribute to their dysfunction?
I'm gonna say that with your sister, it's not your responsibility to worry about ending her dysfunction. That doesn't mean don't act in kindness, but ultimately her own life is up to her and you can't change that.
Your lot in life is to raise a very large, eclectic family, as you have been doing. Now there will be another new edition. As you have done, continue to protect those children from the destructive upbringing they could have easily been subjected too, even if its at the expense of your sister.
It's not that she is less important of a human being, it's that those kids are helpless without you and your parents and they have the greater need.
And don't live the next twenty years right now, just take it as it comes. You'll make the right decisions along the way. There will be plenty of blessings to go along with the wrecks.
I'm really sorry. I don't want to sound like this is something with a simple solution or free of emotional turmoil, cause it's certainly not. You are a very needed light in the middle of a mess, don't forget that.
It is very difficult watching your own parents raise your sibling's children. On the one hand you are so grateful for what they are doing, but on the other you are so sad that they cannot have a more normal grandparent/grandchild relationship with them. And then there is the feelings of discontent that your child(ren) are getting shortchanged in the grandparent department because everything they have goes to the other ones. And then there is the never ending anger towards the siblings who made such poor and selfish life choices and still even continue to make those choices to the detriment of everyone who at one point loved them very much. And then comes the gut tearing sadness in the realization that you do not love them anymore, at least not in any way that makes sense. And on to the complete frustration at the social justice system that refuses to revoke their parental rights so that you and your parents can just move on with your lives and give the abandoned kids some semblance of normalcy without the constant threat of removal. Enter the rage at how they use those children for leverage to get whatever the heck they want--cars, money for drugs, clothes for their loser boyfriends or girlfriends--with none of it going to their precious and incredibly resilient babies. Next come the prayers that one day the madness will end--that they will either magically get better or just leave for good--and you can be truly happy again, thrive instead of survive. And what is supposed to come next is the acceptance that nothing will change and, unless you want to live out your days angry and depressed, you must make peace with the way things are and your lack of control. And that last step is where I've been for 10 years.
I feel your pain and I am so sorry.
~Anon C
Thanks you guys. You level of understanding is more touching than I can say. One day at a time...
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