In most families the "black sheep" is usually the one who dresses different, acts different or finds some way to be different than the "norm". They say that every family has a black sheep. Somehow over the past couple of years I find myself feeling a bit like the black sheep.
Not with my parents. They see me for who I am. But with my sisters, mostly. I hear the comments all the time. How I think I am better (which I don't). How my life is so easy (which it isn't). How my parents like me better (which they don't). It pisses me the heck off.
I tried to do things in my life the "right" way (with the notable exception of trampling off the path in my early teens). (Also, I want to note that this was MY right way, not everyone's.) I got married before living with my husband. We got settled into our life before trying to have kids. I stopped working when I had my kids, then luckily was allowed to work from home. I moved into the same neighborhood as my parents so Brian and I could be here to help my parents raise our niece and nephews. We have made a habit out of making the tough choices. And for this I am ostracized. My younger sister feels the need to point out on a regular basis how I am the chosen child. How I am favored. I am NOT the favorite. I am simply the person who puts in the most effort. I WORK at my relationships. I try to make myself pleasant for my parents and the rest of my family to be around.
I am sick to death of having to explain why I get along with my parents. It has nothing to do with liking me best. I am tired of feeling like I am in the wrong because I spend a lot of time with my family. Brian and I could easily have moved away, someplace cheaper, had a nice big house and nicer cars. But we didn't. We did the "right" thing by being here and being a resource for my parents who are raising a teenager and two children in their 50's. We are all doing what we think is best and yet somehow there is blame in their.
Alright, needed to let that all off my chest.
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3 comments:
I understand it's hard to lisen to those comments. I have a family member who thinks that me and my husband act better than her just because we've made the right choices and are much better off than she ever was at our age. It makes me sad that all the hardwork and commitment that we've put into our decisions isn't seen as that. I just have to assume that she's jealous and leave it at that. I hope you know that you are a great person and are admired for all the hardwork you do. Don't let them get you down!
What an awful situation. Easy life? What adult has an easy life?? That is an illusion that immature minds create. No life is easy. Far from it. No parent has an "easy" life, that is for sure. And what you need to deal with in terms of medical issues is not easy at all.
As I am sure you know, "angry" and "bitter" are usually the masks that people wear to cover their sadness and jealousy. I am speaking off the cuff here without much background, but it seems like all these sister comments are rooted in jealousy. Jealousy of a seemingly effortless relationship with parents. (it takes work, as you point out) Jealous perhaps of your good marriage.(a good marriage takes A LOT of work, as I am sure you know) Jealous of a career path. Your beautiful daughters. And people who are not able to be vulnerable, who aren't that good at expressing themselves, manifest those feeling in awful ways.
The measure I use to make sure I am on the right path in my life is this: I ask myself "Would I trade places with anyone?" And the answer is usually no. Despite the issues I have, the trials and tribulations of marriage and raising kids, the career, etc. I love MY life. There was a time when I would trade with someone else. And I worked hard to make my life the one I wanted to lead. It sounds like you are like that too. And it is easy to see how that would make siblings jealous. It sounds like maybe your sisters WOULD trade lives.
Just so you know, before you read my last comment, I am in YOUR camp! : ) But one sentence stuck out for me:
"I am simply the person who puts in the most effort."
While this sounds like it very well may be true, I can imagine that that sort of attitude might be hurtful. It seems like (again, speaking out of my a$$ here) that your sisters ARE trying as best THEY can. Think of an alcoholic. You can't really yell at them and say they aren't trying hard enough to quit. They are trying, but it is hard. I imagine they don't seek counseling or help or reach out much. Your sisters may be putting in as much effort as they possibly can. Which, if one is selfish and self-centered, is not much.
Anyway, take all that with a grain of salt. I've had a couple cups of coffee and my kids are still sleeping and I love nothing more than delving into emotional issues! Because we all learn something from these issues.
You should plan a blogger bitch fest!
Thanks you guys. I am glad I am not alone here.
Jennifer - I know what I said about putting in more effort sounds a little heartless but it's sadly true. They knowingly and willfully put effort into twisted relationships with men who make their lives miserable. I strongly believe they are NOT trying. They have in the past and they no longer do. They are willing to put in no effort and bitch about the consequences. I know you are being devil's advocate and I greatly appreciate it (who couldn't use a good look in the mirror). It is just hard to watch them put in literally no effort other than using my parents (this is mostly my younger sister) and think it is okay. Families... can't live with them, can't trade them in.
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