What now?

It's been 52 days since saying goodbye to angel baby #4. Fifty two days... but it feels like more. I had hoped that 52 days later I would be so much better than I am. I am still sad. I still cry when I drive alone in the car. I still sometimes look at my kids and just want to sink into the ground. This one isn't easy to get over. I know I will never "get over" it but I would have thought I would be doing a little better by now.

Today I go to my OB to talk about birth control. I never thought birth control would be something I would have to worry about again. Part of me wants to get my tubes tied. Be sure that I never have to live through this again. Part of me wants to do nothing and see what happens. The rational side of me has decided (I think) that I will do something short term for now and give myself more time. I guess I just don't know what I want.

I was happy with three kids. I was done. And then all of that happened. And now I am turned upside down.

I think that having Jack and being happy with where I was at felt like such a nice end. I had my "last" baby and I loved the experience. But now this. THIS is supposed to be the end to this story. The story has already been long and torturous.

Maybe I just need to put some time between another loss and myself and it will all look different. I don't know. I hope so.