Life with Coco and Gigi... and Jack-Jack too!

Life as a Mom, A Homesteader, A Blogger and A Wife.

What now?

It's been 52 days since saying goodbye to angel baby #4. Fifty two days... but it feels like more. I had hoped that 52 days later I would be so much better than I am. I am still sad. I still cry when I drive alone in the car. I still sometimes look at my kids and just want to sink into the ground. This one isn't easy to get over. I know I will never "get over" it but I would have thought I would be doing a little better by now.

Today I go to my OB to talk about birth control. I never thought birth control would be something I would have to worry about again. Part of me wants to get my tubes tied. Be sure that I never have to live through this again. Part of me wants to do nothing and see what happens. The rational side of me has decided (I think) that I will do something short term for now and give myself more time. I guess I just don't know what I want.

I was happy with three kids. I was done. And then all of that happened. And now I am turned upside down.

I think that having Jack and being happy with where I was at felt like such a nice end. I had my "last" baby and I loved the experience. But now this. THIS is supposed to be the end to this story. The story has already been long and torturous.

Maybe I just need to put some time between another loss and myself and it will all look different. I don't know. I hope so.

4 comments:

Plant Girl 5:59 PM  

Be patient with yourself. 52 days is such a short time, in the grand scheme of things. There are days I still shed tears over the babies I lost and that happened 8 years ago.

I think the short term options are a good place to start until you're more sure. But then I recommend making hubby take the responsibility if you decide to do something permanent. ;)

MaggieL 6:53 PM  

Loving You as you grieve wonderful girl! Allow it to be for now. Short term options OK too as Plant Girl suggests.

Kristen 2:20 PM  

Thanks M and thanks Mae Mae. It's just so hard not to get so wrapped up in all of it. I know I have to be patient...

Kristen 2:20 PM  

Thanks M and thanks Mae Mae. It's just so hard not to get so wrapped up in all of it. I know I have to be patient...

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Over 8 years we have struggled through 3 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, several RE's, hundreds of appointments and the loss of three little angels. Now we find ourselves the proud parents of two perfect little girls and a wonderful little boy!!

Both of our girls struggle with some disabilities but that won't keep us down. Each day has it's own brand of insanity but we love it. Most days I am more monkey wrangler than mother but I do the best I can. Todays goal - getting to tomorrow.

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